Give me a B... Give me an O... Give me a D... Give me a Y... what do you have?

I have to talk about something that has been frustrating me more and more lately. Me... ha ha.. .. but, seriously. I am doing my own head in, I swear. 


The topic of conversation today is Body Image. That's right, boys and girls. I have worked myself down to a trim(ish) body weight only to find myself perplexed at how I'm still not completely happy. I have become a super fanatic body knocker (try saying that fast three times), something I never used to be before I got a lap-band in. I was fat: end of story.... and it's a case of where to start being critical of your body when you're bigger. There are so many points of  contention. But when you're smaller, suddenly all those things that you took for granted when you're a size 20 because it is normal - big stomach, fat arms, legs and chin and a bum the size of a bowling ball - all fit. Now I'm a size 12/14 and wearing small/medium clothes, those little bumps and saddlebags seem harder to cover. Is it because I now want to wear closer fitting clothes? Is it because I am taking more notice of how I look, feel etc? Or am I just a dunderhead who is picking on herself where I need to be more relaxed. 


So many questions, so few answers.


One of the biggest issues for me at the moment (apart from the body image)  is that I'm really not liking the age I'm at.


I'm turning 45 early next month  (sorry just kloppsed on the floor as I said the number ... back upright now..) and I am trying to figure out in my pea mind just what suits and doesn't suit a 'smack bang in middle age' woman as far as clothing goes. I think part of it comes from having these conversations with my sons. They seem to muddy the waters for me. And I'm not saying I would ever wear the articles of clothing in question again, unless I miraculously rewound the close back 20+ years, but it kind of sucks that the options are gone in the first place. 


First conversation I had was with Mitchell, my almost 20 year old. We were out together on a Saturday morning, walking in step and enjoying a grown up conversation and mid-way I found myself tugging down the skirt I was wearing. I said to him that I hoped I didn't look silly in it. He scrutinised what I was wearing (a short sleeve top and black skirt which sat an inch above my knees) and said, "You look great. It's not like you're wearing a mini skirt. Now if it WAS a mini skirt, that might freak me out. I don't think I would like my mum wearing a mini." Right... note to self. NO MINI SKIRTS (as if, anyway.......I'm almost 45, remember!)


The second one came in the form of Mason, my 17 year old and I will get to him in a second. 


With the weather heating up here in good ol' Oz, it's bather time. After falling out of my old size 16 one last summer and frightening the life out of a 13 year old boy as he caught a glimpse of my left breast I figured I had better update that particular article of clothing.  Now if there's one thing that gets us girls freaking out is trying on a new bathing suit. Invariably the lighting in the store is shit, nothing really covers those sudden lumps, bumps and squishy bits that you swear weren't there before you stepped into the cubicle... leading you look over your shoulder, down at yourself or choke down a scream of horror as you catch yourself in a three-way mirror saying things like:  'I really don't get where those fat thighs/stomach came from?' or 'How come my arms look fine in sleeves yet look awful when they're bare?' or my favorite... 'I don't just need support for my boobs, I need a freaking cage made of solid titanium to support these suckers 'cos they sure aren't standing up their own!' I tried on like 50,000 different one piece suits and came away with a snazzy purple number that two girls in the adjacent cubicle said looked 'hot', An hour later I was feeling deflated again as I looked at a bunch of photos I took of myself to show you all the new suit, thinking, 'No freaking way. How come I didn't notice the shiny material accentuated the fat on my stomach BEFORE I paid out a hundred and twenty bucks!' WTF! And what right does a woman of my age have taking a pic of herself in a cozzie to put on a blog in the first place? Am I mental?? 


Now this is where Mason comes in. 


I get home, do the 'bathing suit parade in front of MOTH (Man of the House) and three of my four sons, to which this particular son has relief written all over his face.
 "What?" I demand. "Just what?" 
"Um, I thought for a moment you might have bought a bikini. I don't know if I could handle the thought of my mother wearing a bikini. Nice one piece by the way."
"Hurrumph," I said, as I flounced off back into the bedroom cursing the fact I don't have a teen daughter I could steal a bikini from thus causing my son the heart attack he no doubt deserves. 


Which leads to me another dilemma. I wish I'd had this weight loss ten, fifteen years ago, but then I know I was not ready to lose the weight at that time in my life. The clothes I WANT to wear versus the clothes I should wear fight a constant inner battle. I love wearing short dresses (but with black leggings underneath)... is that appropriate at my age? People tell me it looks great but I just don't know. I look okay from the front, then turn side on and there is that pot belly. Arrrgh! I want to wear dresses with spaghetti straps but, whereas before when I was 'bigger' I would NEVER have even contemplated the thought of baring myself due to my motto of  'cover, cover, cover thy body...' I now question if it's okay to 'look' thinner yet still have little squishy bits coming out from my underarm area. When I was fat I would have killed to have only a little squishy bit oozing out but now... suddenly I'm super critical of myself. The last thing I want to do is look like that charming saying Mutton dressed as Lamb 'cos for me I want to look classy ha ha. I am taking care of myself: I get pedicures, French fingernails done, my hair done and I shop, shop, shop, always on the hunt for clothing that look good and I'm addressing my skin next: I want to get PhotoRejuvination done but it's expensive so I'm saving up for that. If I can't be 35 again I can damn well try to look it!


But after so many years of just throwing on whatever covered me best, I am now trying to work out what best suits an almost 45 year old woman. 


And boy that is hard. 


Adios for now
Cara xx