Begin the begin

You know its strange. I'm a writer by trade and yet starting this new blog has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. I have stared and stared at this block of white space and while usually I feel a momentary terror at facing a whole page of white space before those black letters pepper the clean brightness, I must have taken about two weeks of umming and ahhing before I found the courage to start this. So here it is. My first words. Yipee!!

Now to the hard(er) stuff. I have had the idea of having a band put in for, oh maybe a year or more, with the die hard of "Yes... Im definetely getting it put in",  perhaps in the past few months. A turning point for me was when i was down at my corner IGA one afternoon. I was rushing, as I usually do, and without looking too hard, grabbed the first employee I could find to help me locate something. She said "Hi, Cara," I said, "Hi Gail," then midway through asking where I could find the parmeson cheese - they'd moved it.. again, I did a double take. She'd shrunk! It had been a few months since I had seen her for any length of time, usually both of us quickly say hi before we part to go on with our busy lives. I narrowed my eyes at her, cheese forgotten, and asked the biggie, "You look um... different, really different actually. Have you lost weight? (something I usually hate asking because it implies that they had weight to lose in the first place.) Her face lit up and she told me she'd lost 40 kilos. Since September last year! I staggered momentarily (OK not! But in my mind i did!) and came up with this mind blowing retort. "OMFG!! No way! But how?"

"I had a lapband put in."

Well, as you can imagine, that was THE turning point for me. I picked her brain until she was sick of me, and as is my way, as a slightly obsessive - ok, make that VERY obsessive person when I get my mind onto something - I put a plan of action straight into motion. In my head at least. First came the thinking. A lot of thinking.

I'm not saying this took days, or even weeks. I took months mulling this over in my mind. Do I really want this? It's a huge change... it's a lot of money to spend on myself, blah blah blah. All the usual questions I'm sure each and every one of you bandits put to yourself when you decided to take that final hurdle. And even then, it was kind of difficult to take that first step. But I want what she has... was what kept resounding through my head. And as it turns out, I'm pretty much exactly 40 kilos overweight myself. Nifty, huh. I have it in the bag. This is going to be my solution for everlasting weight loss....Im absoloutely positive. 

Of course when you take the first step in such a momentus journey, it begs the next question. How did I get here in the first place? I can't say I was a big child. I wasn't. I was just normal sized. Was I a big teenager? Nope. Big in my early twenties. No again. So what then?

I guess my story starts, as so many do, when I started having children. As of today, in my early forties I have four sons. My oldest is turning 19 this year, my youngest 9. All wonderful, handsome, bright young men. It was between having son number two and falling pregnant with three that I noticed the weight creeping on. 

Why? 

Its a very long, boring story for most so I wont inflict you. Needless to say it was a culmination of a husband who had such a severly sore back (he blew out some discs) that it warranted taking a couple of years off work (and for him this was a big deal of his own.. he suffered monumentally), then myself almost breaking my back through a horse riding accident,  then my 2nd son being diagnosed with Juvinile diabetes at the tender age of three (try sticking needles into a chubby little arm or leg and have him say, "Its ok mummy, you didn't hurt me," while at the same time scrunching up his little nose telling me I did JUST that,) and all this happening within a span of just a couple of years PLUS we had a new baby, just a few months old. I stopped taking care of myself and voila! Too easy. The weight just stacked on. 

Still, I wasnt at my biggest though. I think I sat around the 80's, kilo wise. Then I fell pregnant with my fourth son (and to this day STILL cannot work out how. I planned each of my previous pregnancies perfectly and I'm not a stupid woman.) But there you have it. 34 years old and pregnant with my fourth child. 

Time passes, I suffer undiagnosed post natal depression which is then actually diagnosed as Clinical Depression and up and up and up the weight goes. I do NOT look after myself at all. My weight is the furthest thing from my mind. 

Where am I now. Well I'm not in the grips of depression any more. Havent been for about 2 years. I'm off all medication, and apart from having my gall bladder out several years ago, Im healthy. Except for this weight. This HAS to go. Like everyone out there, I have tried everything. You name it, if its on the market I've tried it. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Im fantastic at losing weight. Go great guns for ... well, for a few months at least. Lose the weight. Feel fantastic, then BANG! Get slack, back to old habits and yadda yadda yadda, I'm up over the 100 kilos again. I even think if i manage to lose ALL the weight and get to my ideal, i can probably maintain it. Funnily enough, I have been at this current weight now for the last eight years. No more, no less. (except when i DO lose, then creep up again... BIG SIGH....... ) NO MORE!!

I'm doing this. I really am. I have arranged now for the referral, and have booked in with Dr Chris Couch for my first consult. I have read, and read, and read until I have information coming out in streams through my ears. And I'm totally addicted to peoples blogs. LOVE THEM!!! Need THEM!! Want to read them every day. (No hardship, apart from writing, reading is my next big love.) Every story is like a mini novel and my heart goes out to each and every woman (haven't read any mens' as yet). I follow your ups and downs with baited breath and cannot wait to read the next installment. So, I guess it's my turn. I will just add thoughts on here until the day the ball gets rolling. Hopefully that will be quickly - I have insurance, so I'm relatively lucky. Post your comments to me. I love to interact and hear from you all. And good luck with your own journeys. Just know that I will be following them.

Cara