I feel like I have lost my way - that old bad habits are rearing their head. Of course, this is not necessarily true but it sure feels like it. In the week since going off mushies I have managed to gain a kilo. Read it and weep - I am. How the heck did I manage that? I'm not drinking alcohol, pigging out, or being stupid with the calories and yet... I managed a gain. Is it the fact that I have barely eaten over the last six weeks and now faced with actual food hitting my stomach my body has said: "Let's hang on to every last calorie and show this bitch she can't control things. I'M IN CONTROL NOT HER!!" Cos that's the way it feels. I mean I feel thin(ner). I know I look it but after a magical run at losing weight during the optifast and then fluids then mushies stages to have this happen just does my head in. It really does. I go for my first fill tomorrow and I need it in a bad, bad way. But even this is not a magical fix. It still won't get Portia working for me in optimum flow. I have to sneak up on that so called "sweet spot" and it's going to take a while yet.
I keep reading over and over - according to the doctors who know their stuff - that it takes months for this band to start doing its job properly. But jeez its disheartening. We put ourselves through a lot of stress to the lead up, then we have the op, that's more stress with recovery etc and then you start to feel more like your normal self and BANG!! we feel like we're back at square one. Whether this is true, I don't know... I just know today I really feel like crap and I want to start losing again. The worst is, I am back at that place I just knew was going to happen and that I desperately didn't want to see again. Food is the enemy and I'm back to scale hopping and freaking out over every morsel that goes in my mouth. Frig!
I'm having a crying lag day too. Over the untenable situation with my parents and sister that just breaks my heart, over the fact that (and I will save this for a later blog when I know things are really happening) I am dragging my children away from the only place they have ever lived in my quest to 'leave this bloody town and everything in it' and I feel frustrated with my life and the fact that there's always so much going on, it's hard to breathe sometimes. A candle in the wind by Elton John was playing on the radio this morning and I found myself with tears running down my face because I'm also sad about the fact Michael Jackson died. I grew up with this man's music and while he took a lot of wrong turns in his life he also just battled - like we all do - to get by day to day. It saddens me that his life ended the way it did.
I never managed to make it the banding dinner with Dianne either. First up I got her message late re: the dinner because my mobile phone sucks and the battery keeps running low within a day or so and when I recharged it, the message finally filtered through. I rang her and said I probably wouldn't be able to make it because I had stuff to do that night and she kindly said , 'Well, you can call me right up to the death knock and I will save you and MOTH a seat." so I make a herculean effort to actually get there, and then Riley gets sick. Shit like this keeps happening. It drives me nuts.
Guess that's enough whinging for any one person to read about. I'm outta here till next time.
Seeya
Hi Cara, I am sorry you are having such a bad time right now....a good cry will make things seem (hopefully) a little better...just remember you are in control! I have read that its the head hunger and emotions that is the biggest battle and hardest to overcome. Once you get your fill you will be back on the losing streak! If you need to vent just email me...ranismith@hotmail.com....thinking of you. xx
ReplyDeleteGo easy on yourself - gains at this part of your journey are to be expected, don't beat yourself up. This was also going to be a long journey :-)
ReplyDeleteHopefully you will feel a bit better after a cry and perhaps a good nights sleep (jeez I do sound like a mum don't I)
Ahh you do seem down. Cheer up! (easy to say I know!). You're exactly right about why you've put on weight when you actually start eating again. I know I did. My advice - keep moving. Walk around the block, up to the shops, whatever, just keep moving. My theory is that if you keep moving the fat won't be able to keep up!! Hopefully anyway! A walk also helps with perspective too. I've often gone for a walk having been shitty at the entire world and after an hour, felt calm and in control again.
ReplyDeleteOf course walking at this time of the year is a challenge!
You're at the beginning of this journey, take it easy, you WILL get there!
Em :)
Ahh, sweet Cara, lots of good advice. Here are my wise words, no matter how prepared we are for the gain, don't we deep down think that we'll be the ones who beat the odds, it won't happen to me, I'll be the exception. I'm not even banded and that's how I think. I'll be here whining about it when it happens too. Stay the course and have a weetbix! :)
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you, Cara! Welcome to Bandster Hell. . . Don't worry though -- this is going to be a short phase and it will be behind you before you know it. Just do your best to stay on the straight and narrow and do NOT beat yourself up if you put on a few pounds! (I put on 5 during my Bandster Inferno days. . . but they and many of their fat little friends are now off me for good!)
ReplyDeleteSomeone told me that this period of time is like getting a brand new pool. . and it's a hot summer day, but you can't put any water in the pool yet. Just try to be patient. The full-pool part of this journey is just a short way down the road and this is just a part of the process of getting there!
Hang in there!
Catherine
Hi Cara, Just remember that you have been doing a liquid diet for a number of weeks... which means you 'lost' your liver fat (glycogen)...and this weighs about 5-7lbs. You body is now replacing it, hence the gain. Don't beat yourself up, you have done a fantastic job. This isn't about you doing it wrong. It's only your body doing it's natural thing, stick to what you know, eat slowly, stop when you are full, and remember this is only the first part of your weight loss and there are gonna be losses and gains and tears and frustration, but ultimately the band will work.
ReplyDelete:o)
xx
Hi Cara - I agree with Catherine... you're in a tough place, but it WILL get better - we promise!!! It is all worth it in the long run - really... slow and steady is what we all want. Hang in there!
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ReplyDeleteCara,
ReplyDeleteHopefully a cry and some time will smooth over your rough patch. I sincerely understand where you're coming from(from a weight standpoint)- my scale hasn't moved in weeks.
Keep looking forward to your fill next week - it will help a lot. I hope your family stuff sorts itself out. :)
Sorry about the above- typing issues :)