I have so many thoughts running through my head this morning, I'm finding it hard to get them in order.
I woke up this morning scared. Of what? Well, I'm not really sure. I made this decision to get the band, and I THINK I'm doing the right thing. Am I making the right decision? Even at this late date, if I'm honest with myself, I just don't know. And that scares me..... it's a vicious circle. I think one of the things that worries me most is the fact that it's not like when we diet. If we go off that diet, well, no biggie. I mean, yeah, we get a horrible feeling of being crushed... damn! failed again... but we can go back to eating the way we were. It doesn't make us feel any better in the long run, but absoloutely nothing is different in our world apart from the fact we bottomed out again. With the band, well, there is no stopping. It's like.. THIS IS IT!!! If this doesn't work, then I'm totally screwed because I have nowhere else to go. And there's the upkeep of the band. Doc's appointments, fills, unfills, constant monitoring etc. This is both good and bad.. but right now I'm going with bad. It's like I just know my days are going to be filled with thoughts of food and what I can and can't eat (I don't have that now, actually I rarely do, except when it comes to what to cook for dinner, which I frigging hate doing, cos how hard is it to have to think of something cook 365 days a year!) I don't want to start obsessing about food. I don't want to have to worry because that damn scales not going down and why the HELL am I putting in so much work that dictates my moods and feelings when nothing is freaking happening!!! I don't........ I don't ........... ahh screw it......I think I just want to climb back into bed and hide under the covers. It's that kind of day... a rare kind of day for me actually. Shit!!! Ok, deep breath.........
I must stop reading the message boards too. These freak me out a little. Slippage, erosion... far out! They scare me witless. Because it's back to surgery to get it out and it's likely all the hard work you put in will be lost. AND ..........then you're really screwed 'cos you have nowhere else to go - unless down the track you try again.
I keep thinking, maybe I can do this on my own. But I know I can't. If I could, I wouldn't be sitting here writing this blog about WLS. That I know. So where do I go from here? Who bloody knows? Maybe a lobotomy?
Might try writing again later when I have calmed down some. I hate feeling like this.
P.s. If anyone is reading this.. and you have a moment, could you please email me on carolyn511@westnet.com.au I could really , really do with a hand up right now that I am making the right decision. Thanks. xx
Cara
Okay, so everything you are thinking is totally normal. However, let me tell you something missy. I thought, oh shit...what am i doing...what if the way and what I eat will be changed forever! But I had to tell myself to shut up bc with lapband and with life...playing "what if" is rather pointless because who knows what life (or the band) holds for us. Why spend time worrying about things that may never happen?
ReplyDeleteYou will still be able to eat almost whatever you like with the band. Especially before you find restriction. You just eat less. ANd that's why we need the band. As for the maintenance, that is the trade off for why I (and a lot of us) didnt pick bypass. There is no maintenance, upkeep, fills, etc with the bypass but guess what...THAT IS FOREVER. THEY ARE CUTTING YOUR STOMACH UP! So we didnt want that, we get fills instead. And do you know what's great about that? We can work with our docs to determine what we want to eat and how much of it.
Sometimes my mind goes to "what if this fails like every other WL attempt I have tried"...but then I am playing "what if" again! It can fail ya know. But I have to believe that it won't and that I am learning how to feed my body the right way.
As for obsessing with food. Well...I still think about food as much as I did before the band. Some bandsters on LBT swear that eventually you don't think about it as much. I would love for that to happen.
And, as for the scary stories on the forums about erosion or slippage...remember statistically, its a small number. Dont focus on the 4-5 out of 100 that have problems. Focus on the 95 out of 100 that don't!
You are doing great so far. Don't let you mind psych you out!