Getting over the hump........

See this girl climbing? This is the metaphorical me. I feel like I'm pushing shit uphill right now. I'm sitting here in front of this computer full of angst and feeling just plain dispirited. Why isn't this fill working for me? Why do I come down on myself so easily when things aren't working the way I want them to? 


I have so many good things happening in my life right now, I don't feel I have a right to complain. New things are on the horizon and I'm just where I wanted to be. I'm pushing myself right out of my comfort zone. I'm looking forward to the future and what it may hold? So why... oh why.. do I do this complete mental flip and feel like right here, right now, I'm struggling. The thing with me is.. and I know this from many experiences is that tomorrow - I will probably feel different. I will probably be 'up' again. But today - here, now.. I feel flat. 


MOTH (Man of the House) took the two youngest for a trip down to Busselton to see his mother , leaving me to my own devices. Bad move. I binged. Boy, did I binge. If nothing else this tells me this restriction of mine is up to no good. I cannot even put on here what it was I managed to eat. And at one sitting. It terrifies me. I cannot seem to move below this stuck weight of mine. I guess you'd call it a plateau.. I just call it a pain in the ass. I do everything right (well, not yesterday but this is the exception rather than the rule!) and yet the freaking scale won't budge. In fact it went up and stayed up. I'm still a half a kilo up from my lowest weight and it's starting to really play on my mind. I'm never going to get into these size 14's I'm so close to and I'm never going to hit my 30 kilo's weight loss. It just plain pisses me off!


I saw my BF yesterday and things panned out exactly as I figured it would. She's not doing the course with me. Admittedly the course start day sucks - it is the same day the kids go back to school and this has it's own pitfalls. But again I heard the words from her: refuse: not doing it: and not willing to take a chance. All this has to do with her youngest of four children starting high school. She wants to be there to get her settled and be around during the day in case she is needed. I don't know what anyone else thinks but to me this is both good and bad. The good is... well, shes a great mum that goes above and beyond, and I guess thinking about it, maybe she's worried her daughter will look back and think .. hey, you were there for my brother and sisters but on my big day you bailed to do something for yourself. Me.. and my line of thinking is, is that her daughter is no longer a baby and will be quite capable of sorting that first day herself, especially if her grandmother is there to help guide her for that first half hour when she drops her off to school. And really, what are the chances of being needed that first day? Almost zero. BUT.... it's my BF's  decision and I have to let her do her do her thing. 


One part of me is really relieved. 


This is a rare foray for me into the big bad world again and I am feeling independent. I have dealt with editors, and publishing etc etc but it's all from the comfort of my own home. I do what I want, when I want to in regards to my own work. My timetable is my own. This is a whole new ball game and I was looking forward to tackling this on my own (I'm talking about the new studies.)  I didn't really want anyone else along for the ride even if she is my closest friend (boy, listening to that even sounds selfish to my own ears.) It seems I got my wish. Does that make me a bad, one-eyed person? Probably. But I do know after doing so much for others for so long - I want this to be a 'me' thing. Just for me and no one else. If I fail then I have no one else to blame. If I succeed, then the same is true. Sometimes, we just have to stand on our two feet and take the blows. But it can feel good just the same. I really want it to be a good thing.


Ciao for now
Cara xxx