Sometimes I wonder - is this for real?

Do you ever wake up in the mornings and wonder if all you've achieved has been a dream? You know, during the waking hours this band of ours pretty much encompasses our whole way of life. And sometimes I guess that carries on into the night as well. I often have dreams where I look the way I want to in the end - slim, happy, confident and these dreams are always positive to me. But occasionally I wake up with a start and think....... Have I really lost all this weight? Was it all a figment of my imagination? I do a quick check and lo and behold, it hasn't been. But the feeling is always there that all this might get snatched away from me at any moment. Just one more reason to behave during the day food/water wise so I just keep implanting this deep in my consciousness that this is a way of life and it's now here to stay.

You know, yesterday when I posed all these questions on my blog I was a little hesitant. I asked some pretty scary questions (to myself and you guys) and I was worried it might be off-putting to those who are yet to be banded. But in the end I think it came off okay. Maybe there was something in there for those who hadn't thought of those questions and asked about them. I know I hadn't ... or at least not all of them. But I will now. Next time I go in for my fill - which is about mid November - I'm also fronting up to ask my doctor about the stuff I talked about. I need to know this for myself, too. There's so many varying answers out there (and thanks to my - I think - misinformed friend lol) I am more confused than ever. Mind you, blond here..doesn't take much, haha.

I know I mentioned in my V-log the other day about how I felt I was doing well mentally - how I feel focused and everything was going just great. Well, I still feel like that.. but I was having another think (and we know how that gets me into trouble...) and I was trying to figure out what is different now compared to say 12 months ago. 12 months ago I was NOT feeling this way at all. Actually I haven't felt this particular way for the longest time. Dealing with clinical depression has a way of bringing you down like nothing else. I don't mean down in the sense of feeling blue, I mean dragging you down so far you never think you are going to feel normal again.

I, like so many people, have been through a lot in my life. My then 3 year old son was diagnosed with type-one diabetes. A few years later he was hit by a speeding car when he was on his bike. I almost broke my back horse-riding, ending in a long recuperation (with a three week old baby to look after also), and my beloved grandmother died. My relationship with my mother has never been at a really good point so that never helped either. There were other serious things in a long chain of events but I won't bore you with the details. The biggest crunch came for me when I had child number four and sufferered undiagnosed post-natal depression which then flared into something much more serious and long standing.

So why am I telling you all this terribly personal stuff that you really didn't want to know in the first place? I am putting this down in words to let you girls and guys know, that no matter how far down you get (if it's your weight that's bothering you, or things are hard at the moment etc) that you CAN get to a place where things are better. Sometimes this means cleaning out the closet. I had to. By this I mean I severed the relationship with my parents and sister. I have no idea if it will ever be 'fixed.' It's not something I did lightly and when I made the decision it took me to a dark space, (and I know I'm repeating myself here, but it's for my benefit mostly.. a mantra of sorts!!) I also found, in the long run, it was for the best. I know I would not be here in this present mental state where they still around. Horrible but true.

I guess some of you wonder what they did that could be so bad that it came to this. This is something I have asked myself long and hard and in the end I guess it came down to the fact they were never there for me (or my sons.) There have been many instances when I 'needed' them but for some reason my sisters problems always seemed to be the ones they were 'fixing' or seeing to. I want to give you two quick examples and these are just small ones compared to everything we have been through but these they are ones that stand out in my mind.

My parents built this beautiful show-home kind of house on the beach. I'm talking serious money. My sister and her teen son did not get on.. couldn't live together. So within a few weeks of this new house being built, he shifted into their house, moving into one of the two spare rooms. Fair enough. Because I realised my sister and my nephew were at logger-heads constantly, maybe this would bring some peace for them both (and I wouldn't constantly have to listen to my sister slam her son.)

The painful bit came when the only spare room left was painted pink. Now my sister has one son, one daughter. I have four sons. One room has now gone to my nephew and the other, for those very very infrequent times that any of my sons had a sleep-over at their grandparents they had to sleep in a room my mother chose to paint pink. This rankled me. Why couldn't they have painted the room in neutral colours? When I asked my mother why, when she also had four grandsons that might use the room, did she paint it that colour (I mean FULL on pink, including salmon coloured cushions, pink bedspread, paintings on the wall in pink, purple and glitter, the whole whack) she answered she liked pink. Oh, and that the room is meant for my niece because she stays over ALL THE TIME. I guess this accounts for the fact that grandsons weren't high on her list - whereas grand-daughters were. When my first son was born - she stood with him in her arms in the hospital room, looked down and him and said, "Oh well, hopefully you will have a daughter next time." Then I had my 2nd son.. similar theme. "Are you going for a third?.... maybe you will have a girl then." No wonder I tried so hard to have a girl. Who was I trying to please?

These two examples are just the tip of the iceberg and I didn't mention them for you to sympathise with me or make me feel better... I just wanted to let you know, for any of you that has read about this particular problem before, that I'm not a horrible person for flicking my sister and parents off, that I did it with my (and my husband and sons) health in mind and now......it seems I have been vindicated. I have been able to focus on myself (and my immediate family) and get to a positive place. I wanted to let you know - that if I can deal with the things I have and come out on top.. then so can you. We all can - because we are strong!!

Till next time

Cara xx

PS Amy and Heather. You were right - my V-log was done outside in our pergola area. MOTH (Man of the House) and I went with a Bali theme and there's bamboo wall coverings and bright colours everywhere. So yes, the wind was up lol.. and you could hear my kids and our dog (complete with the pool pump running which accounted for the water sound) in the background. :)